Q: A reader spied on her boyfriend! Now what should she do? Auntie SAM gets to the heart of the matter … & may not be wearing pants while she does.
Dear Auntie SAM:
I met my boyfriend about six months ago. Until recently, I thought we were doing really well, we spent a lot of time together and it just seemed really natural.
But I learnt via a mutual friend that he’s been seeing his ex-girlfriend. I don’t mind that he sees friends but I don’t understand why he won’t tell me about her, because I thought we had an honest relationship.
What should I do? Should I confront him with what I have discovered? Should I wait for him to tell me? I’m scared he will end the relationship if he thinks I have been snooping. I just don’t know where to begin. Yours
Troubled of Bottmingen.
A long time ago I met a guy I thought was wonderful. He was thoughtful, we laughed easily together, and we enjoyed getting to know each other. I never thought much about getting married back then, but I definitely hoped our relationship would last a long while.
He was friends with my roommate’s boyfriend. So, through her, I heard rumors he was seeing his ex, too.
When he & I went out or spoke, we had a great time. But, I was always fighting those nagging questions in my head, „Is he seeing other girls? Why won’t he tell me? Where do I stand in his heart? Does he respect me enough to be honest?“
My roommate at the time was the type who followed mainstream media, dated with the intent to marry, and came from a stable home. I thought she knew more about being in a „healthy relationship“ than I did.
So, when I spoke with her about my questions and she encouraged me to enlist herself and her boyfriend to snoop on the guy I liked, I relented.
Shortly thereafter, he discovered what I did and confronted me. He felt betrayed. He was curious why I behaved as I did, given how well we had been getting along. He was also angry I had imposed such possessiveness, given the newness of our time together.
I truly had no sane answers. And so we both saw who I was at that moment & neither of us were impressed.
I never saw nor heard from him again.
To this day, when I think of him, I wonder what he’s doing & I wish him well. But I don’t recall him to dwell in „what ifs“. I recall him to remind myself that every moment in every relationship is an opportunity to reveal and view each other’s character.
And that is really what we want to know.
It’s normal to sometimes feel uncertainty in relationships. It’s understandable to want that uncertainty resolved. The only way that happens, though, is by paying attention to behaviour over time.
Hope that you haven’t gone too far with your worries, then put that to rest. Have patience, and allow time to reveal your characters. Behave such that, regardless of how things develop, you can grow and feel good about yourself.
The right people will notice.
XO
AS
—-
Speaking of big reveals: Grab your DAYS OF THE WEEK PANTIES for the NO-PANTS TRAIN RIDE this SATURDAY, 17 JAN at 2PM next to the COOP at the Gundeli side of SBB.
&
Tickets for my VALENTINE’S DAY event, „JE T’AIME: THE BURLESQUE ODE TO LOVE“ at VOLKSHAUS, SATURDAY 14 FEB at 9PM are now on sale at Basel’s most beautiful bike shop, JOHN TWEED. It’s a little something for everyone: complimentary sweets by YUMM CUPCAKES, a free glass of bubbly, VIP seating (with GIFTS), French love songs, dancing, burlesque, fetish, drag, & DANCE. It starts off sweet, & then gets sexy, fun, & naughty 😉 Treat yourself, your loved ones, or your crush!
For more details, see: www.weloveburlesque.ch or https://www.facebook.com/events/600412303419985/