Is it ever good to lie to your kids ?
Dear Auntie SAM: My daughter is getting to that age where she’s noticing the seasons & the holidays. I must now decide: should I tell her about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny ?
When my Dad was 15 years old, he & a group of friends hitch-hiked from northwest Ohio to Miami, Florida. In Florida, he slept on the beach, tried surfing for the first time, & kissed as many pretty girls as possible. On the way home, he wrestled a wild boar to its death. Then he met my Mom, started a family, & learned to love.
My Mom is real. His family’s real. A stuffed wild boar’s head hung in his den. Miami exists. Northwest Ohio exists. There’s sand & surf in Miami; but, given none in Ohio, I couldn’t test if he’d surfed.
Before I was born, he said got into a car accident that sent him & his Barracuda soaring through the sky over a grove of maple trees. Then he wrote the song «Feel Like I’m Fixin to Die».
During my childhood, he told me he bought me a horse – that just happened to look & sound like a cat. And, every time we drove on a highway, he insisted he saw humans driving actual beetles (the insect). Brightly colored. Every passenger full of glee.
These are all things I don’t believe as facts, but accept – even exalt – as true in spirit.
The facts are: that when he said he’d attend anything big in my life, & my art directors or teachers rearranged their programs time & again so he could hear me sing, get an award, dance for him, or perform … he rarely showed.
And I could tell you the lies he told me about why, but they don’t matter.
Lies that erode relationships, defeat trust, & kill love never matter. Their only importance is their effect.
Telling your kids that, to every person on earth, in one starry night, a magical man & his flying reindeer deliver toys made by elves from a place they’ve likely never considered is a mind expanding event.
Telling your kids that a religious holiday is celebrated by a bunny obsessed with hiding eggs challenges decorum in ways that allow kids to see possibility everywhere.
When they discover both concepts false: yes, they’ll be disappointed. Mad, even. And that’s tough to see. But what better way is there to learn that the fantastic ideas we held as children about how the world runs on pixie dust aren’t true ?
That the facts are: a person who loves you worked overtime & then stayed up late or woke early to create for you a tree filled with presents; a yard hiding chocolates & eggs.
That the facts are: despite your worldview being torn asunder, you’ll survive by the grace of those who love you. Those people you can trust to gently guide your mind & heart toward a larger world where you’ll find your place among life’s ample opportunities.
That the facts are: even when the child is so disappointed they pack their 5 year old bags & threaten to run away, they’ll return.
Because children – young & old – know: facts may be facts, but loved ones who bring magic are special.
XO
AS
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