What do rollerderby & dating have in common? Auntie SAM on Love & Tinder.
Dear Auntie SAM: I just got out of a long term relationship & installed [a dating app] to see my market price. Long story short, it is very low. And I got the result in just 3 days ! Why do I even try ?
In an abandoned hanger in the back reaches of a Seattle park, I sat on chilly bleachers & watched women wearing fishnet stockings & push-up bras knock each other down with their hips.
On skates. In prom night false lashes & makeup.
With names like Drew Blood, Little Hateful, & Momma Cherry, they raced & strategized around an oval track. Back then, cement. Every fall brought bleeding & bruises the size of a skillet.
Women of all shapes & sizes tumbled – knocked down or stumbling. Then, as if operated by wills of springs, bounced back into attempts toward victory.
Because what counts is not how often you fall. What counts is how often you get up.
Once, I saw an amazon with five meter long legs glide through a bees nest of derbygirls all racing & bustling on four wheels at 250 kms per hour. The polka dot red & white kerchief around this queen’s neck was all that could be certainly determined. It’s boldness cut currents through the wind, her lipsticked smirk blowing a bitchy kiss to every player against whom she scored.
And she scored against all of them. Repeatedly.
On a derby team, women become heroines, goddesses, Valkyries – magnificent other-worldly beings hell-bent to reign glory & ruin.
Never human. Always only seemingly real.
Same with these dating sites, Darling.
As a general rule, your gamblin‘ Auntie never plays games she can’t win. Online dating ? Oh, I play. It’s a lotta fun.
My risk is low. Like most women, I open an app & adorable, dangerous, beautiful men offer themselves for my amusement & pleasure. They flatter & play, & I learn or rediscover things things about people & myself I had forgotten long ago. But I’m always protected by my phone.
The reverse is not how internet dating works for most straight men.
Common women reborn as gamely goddesses in Valhalla do not appear as often on your screen. So, the ones with whom you feel attraction are perceived stronger & more idealized. Perfectly posed pretty pixels… not the girl who just wants to be seen.
And what does she see ? A vast array of men. But what she hopes for is the guy who will not enter with «Hey» & charmingly present her with a flaccid dick pic. Or 20.
Not that anyone’s worth can be determined by anyone who doesn’t really know you. (In fact, not even your loved ones can determine that). But when relationships develop only over photo-capturing, magically musing musical boxes, it’s easy to make an error and be erased for good.
So if you’re gonna play this game, then arrows that will not turn blue can never determine your worth. Instead, you must trust that the people you are meant to meet will appear. And that the people who are meant to contribute richness long term, will.
Darling, I get where you’re coming from. A long time ago – or just yesterday – someone thought you were valuable. Held you in high regard & kissed you where it counts.
Today ? Not a single swipe right.
That stings. But, whenever you sit at the table, you must remember why you play.
Swipes right are for your wounded ego. They will not make your heart sing.
Your heart needs to know that, when the enemy nears, your partner will slide her hips towards yours & you’ll make it through together. Then, come what may, she’ll brace herself. For the fall. Many falls. Your successes.
Your heart – bless its warrior spirit – needs to know: you can trust her. She’s not just your equal. Together, you make quite a team.
And your heart lives to see her become a goddess. Maybe just for you. And not just on your birthday.
And the only way you’ll get there is by giving yourself more than 3 days, getting up after every fall, & bringing your A-game. Every time – especially after she says «Yes».
So learn the game, learn more about yourself, & give both time. Then, like a Viking warrior, show the goddesses whatcha got. You don’t have to be a hero; just make them grin.
Eventually, you’ll find the one who’ll relish letting you honor her … & throw her around a bit.
Hugs & Shoves, as we say in derbyworld.
XO
AS
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Join the BASEL DERBYGIRL KOLLEKTIV at THE POINT OF NO RETURN. Beer, PUNK, REGGAE, tattooed derbygirls, ROLLERDERBY FILM, meat & VEGAN burgers, KARAOKE, & the BITCH QUEENS DJ TEAM … oy … 4 PM till your heart explodes. Kashemme. Saturday.
Then Monday chill with the sweet sweet sounds of SOIREE LUNDI N•4 Stefania Chiara (voc), Ursus Bachthaler (guit), Marco Nenniger (bass) & Florian Haas (drums) feat. ANNA AARON & NADIA LEONTI Säälli Zum Goldenen Fass 8 PM. 3 Sets. Collection.